solitude #5

Mampukah kau bertahan dengan hidupku yang malang?

Dalam diam, manusia mengaduh. Dalam hiruk pikuk, manusia mengeluh. Entah sampai kapan aku bisa mengayuh jika batas horizon imajimu sudah tidak lagi dapat ku rengkuh.

Atlas bermuram durja menopang bumi. Sisifus terjebak dengan bola penderitaan tak bertepi. Mereka terus terluka namun tidak berhenti bermimpi. Aku yang kerap kali bermimpi  kala bulan utuh berseri mewujud luka saat matahari mulai menjemput pagi.  Tapi tak pernah aku bosan untuk susupkan hati yang menganga agar kau tetap di sini.

Maybe now you have gone with the wind, burying all great memories.

We all are changing. Heraclitus even said nothing is constant.  He got the point and he’s the first who realized. I think he was one of those wise men mentioned in songs, movies, or book. He pampered us with his delicate thought so we don’t have to experience the pain that goes very deep in every ‘change-themed conversation’ but yeah thank you modernization, we forgot about him and his notion. We are sinking in the abundance of a lavished life. We are voraciously feeding ourselves with such a drama. Well, at least it gives me one shot to find out myself why we change. Why change is our nature. Oh, that’s so human. To find it out, I have tried to use my logic at my best. Sometimes I trust logic far more for feeling is deceiving. Maybe because it is changing too. When logic works accordingly, feeling says lots of hopefully. I guess feeling is like a hand-wash person. It says, “just do it, follow your heart” and when our heart goes wrong, it says, “no I don’t event ask you to do that, it’s your heart recommendation”.

So what should we do if feeling is not a thing we can count on?  No, that’s not our question. Why we change it is.

I grow mustaches and my hair is whitened. I see tenous wrinkles in your forehead too. But we never ask why. We haved loved each other and now we started to hurt each other. We ask why. The emotion we have been holding on is slowly leaking. It bursts into tears and anger emphasizing the feeling that we are not ready to separate again. Because we are not ready to start over again and trapped in such a long exhausting same story, again. Or because we have filled the missing piece in each other’s heart and now we are completely fine by ourselves.

It’s time to go dear. There’s a hello and there’s a goodbye. Your feeling fades away and I see everyone is jaded. They give up on their hopes and dreams. But I don’t. Change is inevitable. And why do we change? Because we always want something better. We want us to be better.  

Nevertheless, I am afraid to change, so thrilled.
So please, hold my hands tight when everything’s not the same.

Bila kau tak di sampingku

Kini, kau pandangi kesedihan menjulang dalam mataku. Ku pandangi keputusasaan luber dari matamu. Keduanya bersilangan menjadi embun saat fajar tiba. Kemudian kau selimuti aku dengan rajutan kepercayaan agar hangat meresap dalam pori-pori keniscayaanku. Jemariku mengisi ruang kosong di antara jemarimu agar kita semakin dekat. Ku dekap kau erat, agar hati kita semakin lekat.

Kau dan aku tak pernah lelah mencari.

"together is home, dear."

sangat terinspirasi oleh lagu Sheila On 7 yang berjudul Seberapa Pantas