Childish Grown Up

I weep every time i reminisce my childhood. Not because it had given me uncountable deplorable moments, conversely, because it had made me happy as a child. I had a great time when i was a kid. I could play all day long, read many story books without worrying assignments. Sleeping and mind-wandering without running out of time. If i wanna flaunt, i definitely will brag about my childhood.  I love  tales and folklore. I always admire Timun Mas as i admire The Match Girl. I am amazed by how Tangkuban Parahu is made in one night as i am amazed by how the Pyramid in Giza is built in ages. I felt rich. I felt wonderful. My life, at a moment, was filled up with magic. I had so many adventures.

while i went jogging in one sunny morning, i found a kid sitting on the pedestrian walk side. Despite anything happened around her, she enjoyed reading at her best :) 

Time goes by and as any other children, i am growing up. It seems to be the only curse children have. If i could ever choose between being a kid or a grown up, i will put away the latter. But several people will say, "if you never grow up, you won't fall in love and stuff." I stopped thinking for a while then replied, "i am not interested. Kids do also fall in love and i think they love more sincerely than we do." It is true because when we grow up and fall in love, there are a lot of reasons why we love someone. We have desires to make love, start a family, and consider material things. Look at the children, when they love, they probably only have one reason, "because s/he is charming or beautiful or kind." Love at that age doesn't hurt. It feels good. 

When adults love, it is most definitely that getting hurt is always there. 

I felt eel the happiness of loving and being loved, the anxiety of possessing and being possessed, and also the agony of accepting and being accepted. I always started well and ignited flawlessly. I always had the feeling to keep the relationship on but in the end I could barely stand the pain and the agony of walking the road alone. How time can rot us, the ones that long time ago committed to be forever. 

I am possibly redundant telling this but it's because i value things more than anyone does. People tell me that i live too seriously. I don't laugh too often but think too often. I can't help if i always consider devoting  to someone so seriously. It helps me at least to resuscitate that i am a grown up and weak. And why as an adult, falling in love can be dangerous? because as an adult, we have spent time to experience the world. We feel more than the kids. And love itself involves feeling we have experienced. We crave more for someone we desire for and sometimes jealousy and selfishness leak out. And why adult can be like that? i honestly don't know the answer. If love has been an enigma since Adam and Eve, i wouldn't try to solve it. I would rather enjoy it. Even if thousand questions of it pop up in my mind and whisper to be explained, i don't bother.

Moments in life is drawing near. Looking an answer for each question is unattainable. But if you are looking for love, you will find one in the long run. But don't expect it will be beautiful. Some people have to take the its ugly side. That's why i condescend myself to someone i have crush on. I am afraid that i will be ugly side of love. I am afraid to bring a miserable life to someone i love and care about. I fear the possibility of making you unhappy and in pain. I am afraid you know that i am actually the ugly part of love. I am afraid you are afraid.

My heart is broken into pieces. You pick it up and mend it.
i don't fall in love anymore. 


I don't even remember if when i was a kid, i had already became this overwhelming, over-thinking kid. Yeah, it was so much simpler back then when i was a kid. 

"Learning life is a process, nature has taught me that life is really a cycle. Every beginning is a new ending, every ending is a new beginning: We live then we die. Moreover we pass our genes and ideas to the next generation. We relive it. So is love. We fall in love then we stop. At first, we were strangers. We were getting closer and feeling better. Then we were becoming lovers and a lot happier. But one day we hurt each other and decided to be over. We stopped being lovers. Then we are back as we were, strangers. We start a new cycle. To think about it, i realize that we don't actually stop loving. We pass it to another person and revive it. So because the misery and happiness is one inseparable package in life, we don't have to worry about it. We only have to feel the process and find out how to pass our spirit, our Zeitgeist, to our next generation." - Me, unconscious after swallowing two pans of pizza.