Sunday, 20th September 2009. 

I remember it was supposed to be a very joyful day. Children were happy wearing new clothes and accessories asking some prize here and there for it was the day of winning. Family and friends gathered around and laughter started to instill the house with warmth. Sons and daughters got down on their parents' knees and asked their forgiveness. Abundant food filled the ravenous tummy as it had been held for thirty days. Along with happiness, roads were empty and sky were dense. Yes, it was the day of joy when every human's sheet of life was bleached to white, a clean slate, The Idul Fitri. Many people celebrated it that way. I did. Many people still do. I don't.

That day the air wasn't signaling anything for me but the happiness of celebrating Idul Fitri which seemed somber. I didn't know it was because i had grown old so i didn't perceive Idul Fitri as i did when i was a kid or it was actually changing year by year. It wasn't as merrier as i could picture it. Everyone was getting busier and they craft for getting more visitation. At least there were fathers and mothers, also elderly in the family, who were the glue to the summon the entire family under one roof. However you could imagine what happened next when the glue was drying faster and getting weaker; everything just started to fall apart. One begun to wonder being a glue and attract more different people. Maybe it was just because the time wasn't suffice to accommodate all visitation so they conceived easier ways such as sending messages, phone calls, and another excuses for 'sorry can't come there' to deliver their definition of joy and celebration of togetherness.

Maybe. But i didn't feel happy at that day because my granny laying on bed had been unconscious three days before. I kept telling her that she should be getting well very soon since all family would come and see her. I didn't know she could hear me or not but i was sure she knew i was there beside her. All family already came to see her excluding one son that was waited to see her. Last chance to see her. Medically speaking, it was only her body system running and kept her alive. She surely waited my uncle. 

That Sunday, we waited him and his family to come. He did. They arrived at home at dusk when takbiran was strongly and loudly chanted through cheap speaker with static sound. They rested for a while and met granny in her room. Time for sholat Idul Fitri, we all went to a mosque nearby but mom stayed at home taking care of granny. It took less than an hour for us to get back from mosque.

Traditional food was served. Cookies and sweats were at every corner's of the house. Bunches of rice packed inside woven palm leaf pouch called Ketupat. They were put nicely with beef stew on the dinning table. It was nice having them served for a celebration.

But thing with tradition is it is gradually dampening along the modernization.

Until one day i guess nobody would care about it any longer. In the future, they don't know what Ketupat is.

At least in my family, nobody noticed that Ketupat had gotten less favorable year by year. I got used to see Ketupat on every table's at my granny's house. But it was less now. And the making process was worth to watch. I helped make some too. But for three consecutive years, it just felt different. No making, no more ketupat. Instant Ketupat were available now at supermarket. Then less people sold pouch for Ketupat  and i pitied them. I just hate instant things.

We were chatting and enjoying the atmosphere of Idul Fitri when suddenly mom screamed a bit loudly from granny's room. 

We rushed into her. 

We saw tears falling on her face while she was hugging granny laying on bed. 

Cold and stiff. 

I couldn't drop tear even a molecule. I was confused and shocked. Coding the voice of screaming, sobbing-mourning from all family into one simple question, "Where would have you gone, gran?"

I had never felt my mind rushing me to think over what i was seeing. Over years, that was first time i didn't know how to react. I was devastatingly torn apart in between of pushing the reality out of mind and letting ultimate sadness in mind.

Fifteen minutes later when everybody was much calmer. Sadness reeked through my blurry eyes. I felt my cheek become warm and red because of tears falling.That day i cried and moaned all day long until my eyes became soggy and left no more tears but whimpering and sobbing sound. My voice weakend and i didn't speak for an entire week. The day after i was always awake at midnight so was i the day after. It took a long time to relieve myself. Not even today. 

That day i was thinking i wasn't permitted to cry by my own conscience because of the happiness of Idul Fitri. It's a sacred day only tears of joy allowed to fall during that day. And i actually couldn't pretend being happy that granny left me for her own happiness to a place she belongs to. I just wanted cry because i felt miserable of losing her. I lost her. I couldn't excuse myself to drop tears of joy just because my grand left me forever to a better place.

From that moment and on, in my head i have a vaguely picture of me standing in one room full of people crying just trying to understand what was happening back then. 

Replacing memories of a joyful celebration of Idul Fitri.

Day became dimmer.

I was also thinking maybe that day became dimmer because no cartoon aired at all though it was Sunday.

And all family came to mourn on a joyful day. Thanks Gran.


Tuesday, 6 January 2014

I sent condolences to my best cousin on the demise of her beloved mother 


Thursday, 8 January 2014.

I sent condolences to my best friend on the demise of his beloved mother. 


Friday, 10 January 2014.

What is it togetherness?Two souls understand each other's complexity and imperfection but getting separated in the end. By death. By chance. By time. By distance. 

What would remain when one is gone? an aching heart with vacant spot used for somebody we love and care about. Suddenly world becomes withered as they're gone. 

Then, what's the point of letting them stay in a special place in heart if in the end they leave it open and blank? Thinking about that just flashed me to where i was when my granny died. It was triggered by news that my beloved best friends have lost their beloved persons in their life. And i can tell, now their heart is in enormous agony.

Me and my granny were close. Not like any other member in the big family. We clicked. Sometimes, i kissed her on her cheek and she was a bit surprised for no other grand children did that to her. Well, i spent more time with her than others. I accompanied her to buy groceries, to check her health, and to stroll. We talked and she shared her valuable experiences and meaningful thoughts on life. I often asked why and she often answered in a simple way so i understood. She told me to have a simple life without having to burden anyone else. She also told me to help family and friends whenever they're in need. Because it was what she did to family. And I got it carved on my heart so i shall never forget. 

Having fond memories built from the time spent together is a blade with two swords. You can keep remembering good things but you can bleed because you long that memories and person very much. You realize that it would never happen again. I realize it's only what i have between me and her. Whenever i have spare seconds, those memories are revolving around me. It is not haunting me because i am not scared. Conversely, it is offering me to look back at what i have had.

I know how it exactly feels to have lost someone important in life. And i couldn't never afford losing one or even more. But i am not the Designer of Life, i am only a walking model wearing unexpected suit of happiness and sadness. So like or not, we have to deal with it and keep moving one. It must be tough and heart-breaking. Signifying the meaning of your grieving period and don't be in hurry, because like sun that comes up and down at its time, it will be over. 

And here i, as your family and honored friend, always stand-by for you .