After attempting to write the sub-chapter part of thesis for a whole day (An hour felt like a whole day, right, Einstein?), my brain got heated up and surrendered. There were too many articles, books, and journals i read. Sometimes they contradicted each other so when i finished reading, it made me mumbling like, "Why did i read this article?". I remember a professor in campus saying that read more will confuse you more. So now i got it. And it also made me extremely hungry, Prof.
Then i decided to stop my whole body system to do thesis-related activities.
Free yourself, buddies!
I cooked tofu soup with coconut milk and chili. I cooked it because they were the only things left in the fridge. But it tasted not bad. After filling up my tummy, another obstacle came: my eyes suddenly felt heavy. To be fair, i let my eyes to rest a little bit. Two hours nap was much a bit. I had a guilty conscience and tried very hard to push my self out of the bed. I opened up my eyes and felt dizzy. So, my brain was acting up. To be fair again, i let my brain to relax. I took a shower to eradicate the dizziness. I also set up a playlist to boost my mood during showering.
Some songs are:
Payung Teduh - Berdua Saja
And this one:
Payung Teduh - Resah
I finished showering but got carried away by the songs i had been listening to. These songs are good and gentle I got no courage to touch the stop button. I was thinking, while listening to the songs, it would be great if i read some easy-going book, which i actually did. I comforted my mind and eyes by reading Albert Camus, the Plague while still listening. I felt like my room was transforming into a world that wasn't familiar with time and place. I felt subtle.
Until i got hungry again, i looked at the clock.
Then i realized that I've just spent three hours reading and listening to the repeated playlist.
Now it's almost midnight! When i took a look at Microsoft doc how far i was getting my work done, i was disappointed at myself. I only made progress two short paragraphs. I barely made a page alone for my thesis today. My soul cried, my heart broke. And i hope somewhere around the world, a mother wasn't screaming, sensing her son doing nothing.
Now, i'm feeling terribly sorry for myself. Because a day before, I had consoled every single cell in my body to cooperate with my soul to get, at least two sub-chapters of, my thesis done.
BUT. I only made two paragraphs. I felt inconsolably sad. Also guilty.
I need somebody to know that i should have not surrendered [to being a laid-back and procrastinator]. Now i'm writing this crap and munching bars of chocolate, expecting the endorphin is released so i wouldn't feel terribly bad for myself. To be honest, i feel sleepy right now and my guilty conscience is getting bigger. I should [cry to] sleep.
Btw, the music videos are solacing, aren't they?
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